I used to want to be THAT girl. The girl with all the “juice”. The girl who every guy wanted to be with. The girl who every guy talked to his friends about. The girl with curves in all the right places, with all of the talent, with all of the ambition, and all of the intelligence to back it up. Although I wanted all of them to desire me, I didn’t really want to be with all of them. I just wanted them to be disappointed when I chose someone else, someone that they didn’t expect. At the time, I thought that this was the girl who had it all. This girl had all of the control, all of the confidence and all of the happiness. I mean, if all the guys wanted HER, then every girl would want to be like HER, so if only I could just be HER then I would be alright.
As I write this today, I have no desire to be THAT girl. I don’t want the attention that guys give HER. I don’t want every guy staring at my curves as I walk past and then giving his friend that “I just want to smash” look. I want guys to look at me in awe and admiration; I wan’t them to look at their friends with a “one day she’ll be mine” look. I want to be respected and loved inside and out, not the other way around. Back then, when I wanted to be HER, I was broken and unfulfilled. I based my self-esteem on superficial comparisons. I felt better about myself when the girl next to me wasn’t as pretty, or as smart, or as talented. I didn’t know how to accept myself if I wasn’t accepted by my peers. I was trying to be everyone else around me, because I wasn’t sure that I was good enough.
Today, I am comfortable and confident my knowledge and abilities. Nothing about me is perfect, I still have a lot of growing to do, but I can certainly see the progress that I have made. I have learned to be confident in my appearance, in my intelligence, in my talents, and in my beliefs without needing to compare myself for validation. Along this journey, I found fulfillment and joy. Some people may think that I am full of myself or that I think that I am better than someone else…it’s even been said to me once or twice (actually, it’s been said to me a lot more than that). What you don’t see are the daily internal battles that I fight and conversations that I have with myself. You don’t see the insecurities that I battle when I get dressed in the morning, or when I enter a public space. You don’t see the fear that I battle, as I develop a close relationship, allowing myself to be vulnerable. You don’t see the tears that I allow to escape my eyes as I finally enter a private space. And that’s okay, you don’t need to see them to know that my confidence comes from self-acceptance and not self-glorification.
So, if you’re anything like me then I need you to (1) learn to genuinely like yourself (2) do NOT envy others, you have NO idea what their life is like and how they cope (3) STOP comparing yourself for validation (4) come back and read next week’s post!